Uh Oh, Ghosts!

I meant to publish this post last week. Because, you know, not that it’s any of your bizzz, but I had hoped to stick to the consistent bi-weekly Friday posting schedule that I committed to in my head. And as a team of 1, that can carry a whole bunch of unreasonable weight. Especially to a recovering perfectionist, these little moments can go from a perceived stumble to FAILURE really quick. It certainly did for me.

Self-reflection is a crazy thing. On one hand, it’s the most fulfilling and beautiful experience you will have ever gifted yourself, especially with burnout as the spark - on the other, it’s an absolutely terrifying haunted house of emotions for which you bought your own ticket. There is something so empowering and wonderful about that, but when the creepy and complicated emotions you thought you had already slayed rear their ugly heads once again, you can’t help but consider the part you play in your own suffering. Wasn’t it so much easier when I didn’t question the unreasonable pressure I put on myself? Didn’t I feel a little lighter when I could be and anxious bundle of nerves in peace? Why did I open my eyes to my stuff again?

The thing is that once they’re open they're open. And sometimes the things you thought you had recognized and confronted come up again and again to make sure you’ve learned the lesson, are pointed in the right direction, or that you’re still committed to your growth. They tend to jump scare you at inopportune times, make you question yourself or even discourage you, but their presence doesn’t mean your mission has been fruitless. Every day, every choice, every setback even is a move forward. And the quicker you can come to terms with the occasional presence of some re-offenders the better. I like to think of it as spiraling upwards, coming back to some familiar lessons but always trending up up up (should we get tattoos??).

They say ignorance is bliss and that is true. I would also offer that knowledge is peace. Ghosts and all.